Yesterday, I told you guys about my first kiss with a boy I was not interested in. Thanks to the blessing of low self-esteem, High School TK was willing to tolerate this boy. She had a very real fear that no one else would like her. After all, everyone has to get married someday, right? Maybe Levi was just the kind of guy I had to settle for.
Onward with the story!
Maybe it was all a fluke. Perhaps, Levi was actually a decent guy. We made plans to meet up at his house the next day and watch a movie. What did a handful of red flags matter? There was a boy who claimed to like me! Yay!
I never made it to that date because Future TK kidnapped me and slapped some sense into my little brain.
Sorry, sorry… that’s another lie. I definitely went over to his house. After introducing me to his mom, she went somewhere else in the house and we settled in the living room.
I sat on the couch, fully prepared to sit and maybe cuddle a bit. Levi had other plans. He laid out blankets and pillows on the floor. I put up a little bit of resistance, saying I’d rather just sit, but he wasn’t having that. He had picked a good target. I didn’t have enough self worth to keep my resistance up for long. We ended up spooning on the floor.
The movie started, but I have no memory of what it was.
I remember Levi tilting my face up, in a move he probably thought was romantic, and kiss me. I remember his hands unexpectedly going under my shirt. I remember being more confused and scared than I had ever been before.
One of my first thoughts was whether or not I should be enjoying this. Is there some amount of pleasure I should be feeling? What is he doing? What will my friends think? Is this okay? I have no idea what’s happening. What will he do if I tell him to stop?
Adults had told me not to have sex again and again but no one really defined sexual activity. Sex was penile penetration of the vagina. If all the other stuff wasn’t sex, what was it? Was it okay? I honestly spent this whole moment of my life wondering what was happening and what various people would say.
Eventually, he stopped and we finished the movie. By this time, I was more than prepared to leave. Before I was out the door, Levi asked if I wanted to see his room.
Maybe, if we join forces, we can reach High School TK (aka: me). DON’T DO IT! RUN, TK, RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!
To High School TK’s credit, the idea that someone wanted to have sex with her never crossed her mind. You see, the room of High School TK was her shrine. There were posters and photos all over her walls and ceiling. You could hardly see the color of the wall for all the art. Her bookcase reigned at the foot of her bed, a record of all her fantasies. Walking into her room was like walking inside of her head and she was more than happy to show it off. Why, Levi must be just as proud, she thought.
That innocence was dashed pretty quickly. We went in his bedroom. I admired his various posters and looked around at what was mostly white wall. There wasn’t much to show off. Then Levi started kissing me again. His hands went to pull off my shirt.
“I’ve got to go,” I said, pulling his hands away and backing out of his bedroom. “I… I’m supposed to be home….um….. before the street lights come on and…… it’s already late. I’ve got to go.” I ran out.
That, I am finally proud to say, really did happen.
The ‘relationship’ lasted for one more week after these events only because I never saw him. I assume he was working diligently to avoid my presence. The following Friday, I took it upon myself to call Levi.
“I think we should just be friends.”
Looking back, there are a lot of things I wish Levi would have been to make this whole thing a lot less awkward, but this isn’t about Levi. This is about High School TK (aka: me) and how she shaped the person I am today. Throughout this entire story, High School TK was a sack of self loathing. Then, the light bulb went off. Levi wanted to have sex with me. Someone wanted me. They wanted me for little more than my body, but they wanted me.
A second light bulb was lit. Years had gone by since it had last been turned on. It flickered frantically and, for just a moment, the light almost succumbed to its years of non-use. By some miracle, it held on and shined brighter than any light ever before. The forgotten power source behind this light was a little something called self-esteem.
Unbeknownst to me, I had this self-esteem and it knew better than High School TK. If not for Levi, I may have never known self-worth. This is one of those mistakes I can’t regret. There are much more horrible events that could have happened before I started to value myself. I could have had experiences that further proved my worthlessness. I could have had sex that night with a man I didn’t like out of fear of being alone. Instead, this moment allowed the seed of self-esteem in me to sprout.
From this day onward, one fact was clear in my life. I would much rather be alone than settle for a man who didn’t treat me well. The fear of giving up who I was in order to maintain a sub-par relationship was suddenly greater than my fear of being alone.