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Boyfriend #1 and My First Kiss[es] (Part 2)

Yesterday, I told you guys about my first kiss with a boy I was not interested in. Thanks to the blessing of low self-esteem, High School TK was willing to tolerate this boy. She had a very real fear that no one else would like her. After all, everyone has to get married someday, right? Maybe Levi was just the kind of guy I had to settle for.

Onward with the story!

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Maybe it was all a fluke. Perhaps, Levi was actually a decent guy. We made plans to meet up at his house the next day and watch a movie. What did a handful of red flags matter? There was a boy who claimed to like me! Yay!

I never made it to that date because Future TK kidnapped me and slapped some sense into my little brain.

Sorry, sorry… that’s another lie. I definitely went over to his house. After introducing me to his mom, she went somewhere else in the house and we settled in the living room.

I sat on the couch, fully prepared to sit and maybe cuddle a bit. Levi had other plans. He laid out blankets and pillows on the floor. I put up a little bit of resistance, saying I’d rather just sit, but he wasn’t having that. He had picked a good target. I didn’t have enough self worth to keep my resistance up for long. We ended up spooning on the floor.

The movie started, but I have no memory of what it was.

I remember Levi tilting my face up, in a move he probably thought was romantic, and kiss me. I remember his hands unexpectedly going under my shirt. I remember being more confused and scared than I had ever been before.

One of my first thoughts was whether or not I should be enjoying this. Is there some amount of pleasure I should be feeling? What is he doing? What will my friends think? Is this okay? I have no idea what’s happening. What will he do if I tell him to stop?

Adults had told me not to have sex again and again but no one really defined sexual activity. Sex was penile penetration of the vagina. If all the other stuff wasn’t sex, what was it? Was it okay? I honestly spent this whole moment of my life wondering what was happening and what various people would say.

Eventually, he stopped and we finished the movie. By this time, I was more than prepared to leave. Before I was out the door, Levi asked if I wanted to see his room.

Maybe, if we join forces, we can reach High School TK (aka: me). DON’T DO IT! RUN, TK, RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!

To High School TK’s credit, the idea that someone wanted to have sex with her never crossed her mind. You see, the room of High School TK was her shrine. There were posters and photos all over her walls and ceiling. You could hardly see the color of the wall for all the art. Her bookcase reigned at the foot of her bed, a record of all her fantasies. Walking into her room was like walking inside of her head and she was more than happy to show it off. Why, Levi must be just as proud, she thought.

That innocence was dashed pretty quickly. We went in his bedroom. I admired his various posters and looked around at what was mostly white wall. There wasn’t much to show off. Then Levi started kissing me again. His hands went to pull off my shirt.

“I’ve got to go,” I said, pulling his hands away and backing out of his bedroom. “I… I’m supposed to be home….um….. before the street lights come on and…… it’s already late. I’ve got to go.” I ran out.

That, I am finally proud to say, really did happen.

The ‘relationship’ lasted for one more week after these events only because I never saw him. I assume he was working diligently to avoid my presence. The following Friday, I took it upon myself to call Levi.

“I think we should just be friends.”

 

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In celebration of High School TK's new found self-esteem, I present a much more flattering picture of her.
In celebration of High School TK’s new found self-esteem, I present a much more flattering picture of her.

Looking back, there are a lot of things I wish Levi would have been to make this whole thing a lot less awkward, but this isn’t about Levi. This is about High School TK (aka: me) and how she shaped the person I am today. Throughout this entire story, High School TK was a sack of self loathing. Then, the light bulb went off. Levi wanted to have sex with me. Someone wanted me. They wanted me for little more than my body, but they wanted me.

A second light bulb was lit. Years had gone by since it had last been turned on. It flickered frantically and, for just a moment, the light almost succumbed to its years of non-use. By some miracle, it held on and shined brighter than any light ever before. The forgotten power source behind this light was a little something called self-esteem.

Unbeknownst to me, I had this self-esteem and it knew better than High School TK. If not for Levi, I may have never known self-worth. This is one of those mistakes I can’t regret. There are much more horrible events that could have happened before I started to value myself. I could have had experiences that further proved my worthlessness. I could have had sex that night with a man I didn’t like out of fear of being alone. Instead, this moment allowed the seed of self-esteem in me to sprout.

From this day onward, one fact was clear in my life. I would much rather be alone than settle for a man who didn’t treat me well. The fear of giving up who I was in order to maintain a sub-par relationship was suddenly greater than my fear of being alone.

 

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28 thoughts on “Boyfriend #1 and My First Kiss[es] (Part 2)”

    1. I think I got lucky. In that moment, I was honestly more afraid about what my friends would say or what he would say than anything else. It would have been easy to decide to go through with the act to erase the potential for more harassment at school. What was different in my case was that I had a very unique set of friends. One of my friends was very sexually active and was hardly in middle school when she lost her virginity. Another friend was so religious, she and her family did nothing but listen to Christian music, watch Christian shows and/or read the Bible every Sabbath. Of course, there were other friends who feel between that spectrum. When I thought of what my friends would say, I knew there would be some that already thought I had done something wrong and other who would tell me that none of this was a big deal. There was no way to appease everyone, which left me with one option: what choice is right for me.

      Also, It’s important to note that, while I did discover self-esteem, it wasn’t very strong. I would reach a point where I really felt like a confident, valuable person until college.

  1. Hey hey first thing I thought was Josie and the Pussycats. Love the ears.
    We all deserve the best and not some one who looks down n us. Love your conclusion.
    We change for no one but ourselves.:D
    keep on smiling. and have a great weekend

    1. Sorry for the late replay. My weekend was kind of busy. Thanks for reading. I don’t even remember why I was wearing the cat ears that day. It was probably Halloween or something. I wish more people had this outlook about things they say they regret. I think people fail to consider the person they might be today had they never made that mistake. If you can take something positive away from an experience, it isn’t worth regretting.

  2. That whole situation would be terrifying. Although, I’m glad you could take something positive away from it and discovered your self esteem. The first time I realized someone wanted to have sex with me, he (dif. boy than the skating fiasco) asked me to get in the cab of his truck, which conveniently had a mattress (uhm what?). My exact response was “Go f*ck a tree.” And then I peddled my bike home as quickly as possible. Also, a very terrifying experience to remember.

    But, that day kind of solidified how I wanted my sexual progression to go. I set up a kind of structure of bench marks, emotional and physical, that had to be achieved in order to get past the kissing stage. Luckily, I was always pretty confident with boys. My mutilated sense of self worth came purely from my friends…girls can be mean.

    Oh, and truck boy? Yeah, he had two kids by the time we graduated. Dodged a bullet there.

    1. “And then I peddled my bike home as quickly as possible”

      For whatever reason, I read that and imagine you between the ages of 12 and 14. I guess that makes sense, though. I had one friend who lost her virginity within that age range. She had a rough home life…

      To this day, I have no idea why I was so hard on myself. I don’t know if the bullies came first and made me feel that way, or if I already felt that way which attracted the bullies. I may dive deeper into these thoughts in another blog.

  3. I really loved it TK! Wow, it gave me so many different things to think about and contemplate. Its weird to read a story like that from the young woman’s perspective, I swear it seems like more often than not I hear about stories from the guy’s perspective; because guy’s tend to be such horn dogs and are so obsessed with the first time they feel a girl up and what not……. very well written

    1. This experience is one of the reasons I really appreciated how D treated me when we first met. He wasn’t just grabbing at stuff that wasn’t his. He asked. I can’t speak for every girl out there, but that meant a whole lot to me.

  4. Live and learn, eh?

    I’ve often wished that my older self could go back and warn my younger self not to do things. But then I realize that there was something there for me to learn.

    Thanks for sharing your story. I think it is something that most of us can relate to.

    1. Thanks for reading. At a different time, i may have said this was an experience I regret. Regret is such a heavy thing to carry, though. I’d rather find the positive. Besides, I can’t deny that this was the first time I ever felt true self-esteem. I walked away thinking to myself “at the very least, I don’t want to be used.” That’s better than the alternative (which would have been to let myself be used and then regret that I did).

    1. So am I. That was terrifying. Thank God for parents who make good excuses. One thing I loved about my parents is that they told me, if I was ever in a bad situation, to feel free to use them to get out. Say they are expecting me, or they need me or they just called me. It worked pretty well in this situation.

  5. “There are much more horrible events that could have happened. ” Definitely. You could’ve gotten pregnant. Good story. So many young girls in situations like the one you described wind up with big regret – for having sex (or being raped) under pressure.

    1. This is very true. He could have probably overpowered me if he really wanted to be that violent. Maybe the fact that his mom was in the house somewhere saved me.

    1. I’m not sure if the girl in this story would have agreed that she had a bright future, but she knew enough to walk away from a bad situation. After writing this story, I’m finding that my experiences aren’t that unique. It seems a lot of girls were more or less confused during their first physical experience.

      1. Yeah. I managed to stay away from it all – though not by choice. I had a lot of self-esteem issues and was bullied a bit. So, I was lucky the only two guys who showed interest in me were ex-boyfriends of friends (one literally asking me out after asking out four of my other friends) – and I have a pretty strict moral code when it comes to friendships. So by the time this became an issue in my life I was an adult and I was strong enough and aware enough (though it was still a little hard) to say no until I was ready.

        But from what a few of my other friends have told me, they did have similar experiences in high school.

        1. Well… considering this was a friend’s ex, I failed at the rules of girldom. My next high school boyfriend choose me second after chasing after one of my friends and losing to his younger brother. That wasn’t a bright decision on my part… but that’s for another blog.

        1. Oh man…. I really have to post about the second boyfriend soon. I’m not sure if I technically broke any rules of girldom… but I may have walked the line a bit.

    1. Right! Unfortunately, this is not the only incident in my childhood where I wondered what the adults were doing. I can think of a handful of times where I know there was an adult witness and they did nothing.

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